IS THE BITTERNESS YOU CARRY WEARING YOU DOWN?

Im up at 4:00am due to the fact that I can't sleep. I have been laying here with my head filled with burdensome thoughts. After a hot bath, a few glasses of Moscato, and a long chat with a few girlfriends....I still found myself troubled. In the dark, under the safety of my covers my wide opened eyes began to fill with tears. I needed some sort of intervention.....I clicked my Pandora mobile app and selected Tamala Mann radio. I got up and sat crossed legged in the middle of my enormous bedroom floor....still in the dark the grandness of my room bolstered my since of loneliness. I kept telling myself to "shake" this feeling. Youre bigger than this. "Get up", I told myself. And I asked God why was I often struggling with this feelings of depression. And he told me right there on that floor...because of YOU. He told me, "You carry the load that weighs you down." I grabbed my notebook that holds so many of my private thoughts and was led to write. I wrote what I felt at that moment, the only light coming from my musical cell phone. My blogs are about accountability but this one is going to be quite personal but I hope it helps/heals someone. Writing this is therapy for me.

I thought I had a right to be mad. My mother died when I was 15 years old and I didnt meet my father until I was twenty something years old. Parentless and seemingly forgotten, I carried my bitterness around like a shield. My other brothers and sisters all had at least one parent left and mixed with my bitterness was envy. Whats was I to be left with? I decided I would never again be out of control. I would determine my future so this pain of hopelessness would never be felt again. I was pissed on the inside and it streaked through every thing that I did. My family, my business, my relationships. I had to win at all cost, my decision making laced with aggression. My validation came from what I could accomplish. I was the tenacious, intelligent, independent Delisicia. Understand that I wasnt just fire, a very useful element when controlled, but Wildfire an untamed blaze charring everything is sight....taking no prisoners. Hellbent on overcoming a dysfunctional life, I (sub)consciously created an inevitable dysfunctional future.

Fighting was love for me. Fighting was autopilot. It was what I knew best. I began to fight when there was clearly no reason to. I looked for reasons to get mad...to go off... at this point, I enjoyed it. I sought out reasons to be a tyrant, to dominate. I didnt feel secure unless I was in control. I could never be that vulnerable little girl again. Please understand that control freaks are very insecure people. This has nothing to do with looks or image...but their (our) inability to let go of the reigns and trust. Trust others to perform tasks, trust others to be reliable, trust others to love you back. The one thing that you really, really, really want as a bitter person is the security of love. Yet because youre riddled with this sickness it is the one thing you are sure to destroy in everything that you do. My relationships were destined to fail because I never brought true love just true hate. The guys I dated were NOT perfect however, could we have made it if LOVE was present? Did every point have to be proven? To the naked eye I never looked angry and even spoke pleasant at times....but that was my manipulative facade. Angry on the inside only seeking to destroy regardless of the cheerful smile adorning my face. I was conditional in everything that I did....there was always a reason. There was a time limit and soon I would cut you off disguising it as something foul that you did. I was just looking for a reason not to let one get close. Closeness was weakness to me. I had to maintain control because I was angry about being hurt. A relentless cycle that destroyed a large part of me.

I am alone now in the aftermath of a forest fire I created. Only left with the remnants of singed loved one and char coaled relationships.  Yes, I proved my point....I am strong enough to destroy. I just would not let go. I did not know how. I dont know how others get their solace...God, writing, exercise, meditation...but it is imperative that you LET GO.  Yes, bad things did happen to me and many others and we have a right to be mad or hurt. But to move forward, we must let go. I have carried some very heavy bags for many, many years. And I have decided to just put them down. Right now. I really wish there was a rehab for controlling/angry people. I look at people and Ive wondered how the hell are they so happy? People.. they chose to be. No, I wasnt raised with the compassionate, loving, considerate attributes most were...but hell I taught myself to cook (and Im a slamming cook) so Ill take a shot at the positive personality traits as well.

I have read countless of articles and books on forgiveness and never thought they were helpful. Well, at that time I didnt want to forgive. I felt like the people/situations I was mad at truly deserved my anger. And yes, I can honestly say that they were wrong. But if I truly want to let go...I guess I "gotta be the bigger person"  and apologize for the situation even existing REGARDLESS who the true villain was...it doesnt make you the villain and also eliminates you as the victim. So here and now I forgive my mother, my father, my older sister, Nate, David, Phyllis, past dudes I was with, (and the past chics that were with them then too!). If I have forgotten you charge it to my head (and that fact that its 5am) and not my heart. And just like rehab this is a day by day journey. 12 steps to happiness. Now the Tamela Mann has stopped and suddenly I feel...sleepy. Thank you for listening....