Thank God for Multiple Personality Disorders Because That Other B*^@h Made Some Bad Decisions.....

I usually get the urge to write something in the middle of the night...it just hits me. It pushes so hard to release all I can do it honor that energy and write. I had made some very poor choices in life. All of my choices have manifested into one big ball of bullshit. The thing is I had no idea that the choices that I was making were causing me so much destruction. Rushing...fools rush in. Overwhelming needs to conquer....survive...win. Show no fear. Show no emotion. Live behind the facade. Young foolish girl.

I have horrible vision. I wear glasses and contacts at all times. I can not see. But clarity, a small window, have been bestowed upon me. I see right now. All of my insecurities, the facades, the meaninglessness...I see them clearly. I wear them on my skin right now. I have made poor choices and I can fault no one but myself.
 I am being ambiguous. I am. Maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was. I realized that I was falling into the same patterns as before. Rushing....my only concern was winning. No substance. No sacrifice.

I have been untrue to myself for such a long time I have a hard time figuring out what the truth is. I want to fill these voids. I have to look the part. I am so weak I always pretend to be strong. My pillow knows how much I hurt. I was away 15 months...it does not matter. That time paid no debt but what was owed. It was not going to magically change my life because I had not been truly humbled. I still was afraid to be me. For 33 years I have been doing it all wrong. I have no more tears to cry. I am driving my own self crazy.

This other voice tells me "You Fucking Up". But now I am crazy because I hear another voice. You bet not drop one more tear with your weak ass. Fix it. Stop doing the same dumb shit and fix it. Make the necessary changes." The voice knows because I cannot use the facade to trick it. It is always there when the real is showing. It really took me this long to realize that I was doing it all wrong. There is a children's story that I like about the Sun and the Wind. Each element was trying to take off a man's coat. The wind was powerful, it blew and blew. It wanted to eventually blow the man's coat off. But the man only responded by holding tighter. Then the Sun, ever so meekly, graced the man with his warmth and instantly the man removed his coat. No force involved. All things done in love. When you force things resentment grows. Retaliation is contemplated. Rebuttals are heard. Things done in love, done naturally, require nothing at all. I have not done things in love. I am one sided and conditional. People have been expendable to me. That is not love. The guard around my heart and my mind was so thick and complicated, I had no idea it was still there. It my mine I had been healed, cured, and renewed. But no...the Voice always knew.

The Voice challenged me and said, "Look in the mirror and tell me what you see?" A confident woman, I think not. You do not love others because you have not loved you. It is time to discover what it really means to love yourself, respect yourself, forgive yourself---unconditionally" No tears are allowed in this soul piercing session. Just reality. I have made some fucked up decisions. I now have to deal with some fucked up outcomes. And that is ok because as long as the days continue to come things can get better. They cannot though be rushed. Every patient needs the time to heal. Being fucked up in the head AND heart for most of you life is a doozy of a diagnosis. No amount of money can heal that overnight. Money can sometimes be equivalent to crack, heroine, or whatever your vice. It covers, it masks. It gives you a reason to not focus on the problem. Just keep upping the dosage. When that money run dry you willing to do anything...it costs to keep your fronts up. It costs to make it look like things are ok. And this aint no crying moment. This is a get real with yourself moment. When something deep inside of you, deep from within your spirit tells you that you fucking up...you need to listen. That Voice told me to be "The Sun." Stop rushing for what aint meant for you anyway. Stop fighting and wearing yourself down. Stop pushing people to do what they dont want to do. "Be the Sun", the Voice told me. "For once in your life, be for real."

I am talented. But I fear who I really am. I had an idea of the power within me and I run. I run into a relationship, I run into a business, I run towards a down and out family member, I run away from me. Because that Voice right there I know is more powerful than anything I have ever known. But I am aging, ever so gracefully, but aging all the same. When does it stop and life begins? When do I come from under  the covers and see what I was meant to see and to have? When do I stop fighting myself? I did some amazing things while I was away. I was disciplined and confident. It was me. And then the fear can back...the manic behavior. The have to right now or else crept up. And I forgot that I was a wonderfully talented, lovable person. I forgot so easily. I saw the most beautiful me in those 15 months. There was no fear. Voice tells me to manifest my destiny I have to be my true self, that woman I met and stayed with for 15 months...my true self. I have to be her in every decision that I make. I have to make decisions with logic and love. Be unconditional and expect nothing. I have to give more than I receive. Exude patience. And I have to always expect the best. That was who  I was there.

That was a training ground, not some punishment to wipe the slate clean. It was to show me I have the discipline, the heart, and the mind to be my true self. Rather rich or poor. Cute or ugly. Alone or surrounded When all the chips fell I was able. I was true to self.  Who is this girl now? I do not know. She is afraid to live. What would the world think of me if I ever decided to do that?

I am ready to try. The Voice has helped me to understand. I am not crazy.I will still stumble but confident  will rise again. I have a Divine power. WE all do. There are no more days for tears. The next few days, months, maybe even years will be a struggle. The struggle I was willing to do anything to avoid. I must go through that to get to my destiny and there aint no shortcut. I tried the shortcut. You always start back at GO. I am not too good to start over.I am not afraid to start over.  It will make the glory so much worthier. Come daylight the others will see no physical difference. But I have been altered from within. Walk slow...think first....speak last.

I could go on and write/vent until morning but I will not. I am not concerned with what others may think of what I am sharing. I know that there is one person that will need this, understand this, love this, and change from this. To that one person....this aint no time for crying.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qaBPthrUqs

Chapter 2 Too Close For Comfort

“Man, Judge Tolbert was in a good mood today. He gave much lighter sentences than I could have hoped for.” Terrance said to his colleague Richard Hemphill. They had just left the office after a long day in court and decided to stop at their favorite Downtown lounge Cliffbells. 

“I hear you. Probation for over 4 million dollars in mortgage fraud is unheard of right now. Somebody must have been doing some serious praying to the man upstairs.” Richard responded. 

As they entered the building the soulful sounds of jazz filled their ears as they made their way to their usual table. Richard made a quick detour to the restroom while Terrance sat down. The guy on stage was doing his thing with the saxophone putting his own spin to one of Norman Brown‘s classics.  The flow, the melody of the sound coming from that instrument was hypnotic. Terrance sat back in his chair and began to let his mind unwind from his chaotic day. He leaned his head back and began to bob it back and forth, followed by a foot tap and finger snap. The music was good and he was feeling it. He closed his eyed and let the music take him away. Slowly all of his tension and anxiety was being detoxed from his body. For a brief moment he was no longer in the lounge, he was in the music. The slight touch on his shoulder brought him back to reality. What he saw was much more alluring than the music. 

“I didn’t mean to disturb you but I wanted to get your drink order. My name is Kyla and Ill be your waitress for tonight. What would you like tonight?” she asked slightly smiling.

Terrance had to catch himself before he answered her question truthfully. He couldn’t take his eyes off of her. She was much more than pretty and you can tell she wasn’t even trying. Her black shoulder length hair  beamed off her light complexioned skin. Her eyes were young and innocent fashioned by long dark lashes and neatly trimmed eyebrows. His gaze was strong and he could tell she was starting to feel uncomfortable. 

“ Do you want to start with a drink?” she asked at an attempt to break his stare.

“Guinness. In a glass. Pardon me, I was just caught up in the music.” He lied to save face. 

“Well, well, well….what do we have here!” Richard said as he walked around Kayla. “You must be new because I know I would not have passed you by. I got to leave a tip for the manager. You are a job well done. He laughed as he took his seat. 

“What are you drinking tonight?” she asked Richard.

“Hopefully your bath water. Is that on the menu?” he playfully asked.

“No, but I can tell you what the specials are for tonight.”

“Baby, you are special enough, trust me. Just bring me a Hennessy and coke. Watching you walk away will be special enough for me.” 

“Don’t mind him Kyla, is it? He just isn’t used to beautiful woman speaking to him. We are also going to have dinner tonight too.” 

“Yes, I would the sirloin steak with a loaded bake potato.” Richard chimed in.

“Would you like a steak too?” she asked Terrance.

“Naw, I stay away from the beef. You can bring me the grilled salmon with asparagus please. 

“So you’re health conscious, that’s cute. They say you can tell a lot about a man by what he eats.” Kyla said directing her gaze on Terrance.

“Can I tell you what I eat, little lady? Im more like an all-you-can-eat!” Richard said teasingly to Kyla.

Both parties just ignored Richards sour attempts at flirting and continued talking.

My name is Terrance, by the way. We are regulars here. Did you just start?”

“My name is Richard but you can call my Dick. I mean..me Dick.”

“Or maybe I can just call you A dick!” Kyla retorted smartly. 

Terrance chuckled at her comeback. He gave Richard a glance to tone it down.

“This is my first week. I’ve met some cool people and some not so cool people.” she said as she side eyed Richard. “It pays the bills. Ill be back with your drinks and your orders will be up soon.”

“Man, what is wrong with you? You have to be nice to the ladies.” Terrance said barely containing himself. “Especially ladies that are bringing your food.”

“What you talking about, youngin? She liked that. They all like that kind of talk.” 

Richard was older than Terrance by 20 years but you he looked like he was only in his mid forties. He took good care of himself. He had no wife and no children and his soul purpose in life was to defend the accused as a defense attorney. The only reason he wasn’t a partner was probably because of his sometimes obnoxious attitude. The firm overlooked his personality flaw because of how mechanical he was in the courtroom. He also had many connections in the streets that helped them get information otherwise they would never be privy too. When it came to women they were totally expendable to him. When he needed the company of a female counterpart he knew how to get it, or pay for it. A woman had a better chance at getting into a vaulted bank than that man’s heart. Anybody for that matter. Even though he often talked to Terrance it was only so far that he would let him go. Come to think of it, Terrance had never been to his home or met anyone that he knew outside of a miscellaneous woman he may have been dating that evening. Richard was closed. 

“So how are things coming along with that pregnant wife of yours? Man, you’re about to be somebody’s daddy!” Richard spouted out to him.

“Things are good. Nicole has been so happy lately. We find out the sex next week at her 5month check up. Im really praying for a healthy baby and a few prayers for a son too. I think this baby may be just what we needed to mend things. I’m really excited for this new addition to our lives.”

“Ain’t no baby going to mend things if they were really broken. Hell, maybe they weren’t really broken. But if they were baby or not you in trouble.” Richard spewed.

“Let me guess, I should just live my life alone and care about no one?” Terrance asked sarcastically. 

“Naw man, all due respect to you. You’re a bigger man than I can ever be and honestly I envy you. You not afraid to lose. Im never going to gamble my heart though, not me. Now back to that waitress, man she fine. Ooh Wee.”

“Yeah, she pretty and spunky too. She got right back with you.” Terrance laughed.

Just then Kyla returned with the drinks and food in tow. “Hope everything is good and to your liking. Let me know if you need anything, ok?”

“The food looks great, thanks.”

 Richard and Terrance devoured their food and enjoyed the relaxing music. They talked more about their cases, coworkers, and the current events going on. Time was passing as the two were enjoying themselves. 

“You know we will be closing soon. It’s a school night so you two boys should be in bed already.” Kyla said smiling to her patrons. 

“Man its almost 2am. I had no idea that we have been here that long.” Terrance said.

“Yeah, you got a curfew don’t you, youngin?” Richard laughed.

“Kyla, can you dance girl? Not that hip hop stuff can you ballroom? Im requesting a dance before I leave. I promise Ill be good.” 

Before she could respond Richard grabbed her hand and they headed to the dance floor. Richard was a great dancer and Kyla was able to keep up. Terrance pulled his phone from his coat pocket and realized the ringer was still off from being inside the court room. He cut his ringer back up and checked his missed calls and text messages. Nicole had called four times since 9pm and texted that she was worried. He didn’t mean to stay out as late as he did and didn’t want her to worry but he didn’t regret the good time he had tonight. Richard and Kyla came back from the dance floor laughing and talking about each others dance moves. 

“Man, not only is she kind of cute but she can cut a rug. I would have thought the girl had two left feet but she got it.. Go take her out for a spin before they play the last song.” Richard said.

“Naw, man. Im going to head out of here.”

“Come on, Terrance. I won’t laugh if you cant dance.” Kyla pleaded.

She grabbed his hand to lead him to the dance floor just as his phone rang in the other. He looked as his wife was pleading for him to pick up in one hand and Kyla tempting him to dance in the other. He placed the phone down on the table and let Kyla lead him to the dance floor. She had won. 

Copyright protected. 

Too Close For Comfort Episode 1

Terence Montgomery stared at the names attached to the law firm that he worked for. Soon Clark, Foster, and Gursten would have the additional name of Montgomery. In only eight years Terence had  made partner at the law firm he had worked for since he graduated from University of Michigan law school. The long nights at the office and rigorous competition with other potential candidates had finally paid off. He had earned his rightful place as part owner and more than doubled his paycheck with the signing of the agreement. He had everything going on that a man could possibly want. His prestigious  law career afforded him a comfortable lifestyle, his dazzling good looks made him easy on the eyes, and he was married to an equally successful wife. However, tonight was bittersweet, with everything finally falling into place he knew the only thing left to do was divorce his wife, Nicole Montgomery. She was the only negative element that he had allowed to continue in his life. But after tonight even she was going to be evicted from his life.

As Terence walked to his black on black Jaguar it mirrored his style. They were both black, luxurious, clean, and able to get a ride from anyone that they wanted. It was there in his vehicle that he had many debates with himself, prepared for cases, and sometimes prayed for answers. It was there that he spoke to his maker to solidify his decision to break the unity of his marriage.  Unfortunately the night was not going to end on such a high note. His plans were to take Nicole out to dinner and let her know that he was filing for a divorce and moving out.

Terence loved Nicole very much but her demeanor had changed for the worst over the past year and he could not deal with it anymore. She was once a very vibrant, confident, and positive person. Now all she did was complain and seem to only to focus on the negative things going on in her life opposed to all of the many positive things she had been blessed with. He could not remember the last time he came home and the slightest offset didn’t trigger an argument. She would yell and scream at him and then inevitably he would find her crying and proclaiming how unloved she was. At first Terence believed it to be her hormones or just a tough time that they were going through and was willing to stick it out, she was his wife after all. But after a romantic evening of Will Downing and a bottle of D’Asti Moscato ended with Terence dodging wine glasses he knew it was already over.  He was at a point in his life where everything was moving forward and she was the only thing holding him back. 

“Hey Nicole, are you going to be ready to leave in the next twenty minutes?” asked Terence as he called Nicole on her cellular phone. 

“Yes, I am already ready, baby. I am just waiting on you. I cannot wait for you to get here. I am so excited tonight.” Nicole cooed into the phone. 

Terence could not believe that she actually was in a good mood for a change. It was a surprise to hear her excited about anything compared to the way that she has been. Tonight was going to be a lot harder than he thought. He knew that Nicole was in love with him and was expecting to celebrate an anniversary in the next few months. Tonight she was going to get the shock of her life. 

Nicole Reese and Terence Montgomery had met in college at University of Michigan. Nicole was studying Business Management while Terence took up Political Science. His lifelong dream was to go into law while Nicole was the heiress to a million dollar real estate development  business. She was only in college to validate herself, she had a career ready and waiting for her since she was a teenager. Terence was in his senior year while Nicole was a junior. Although both were very active on campus they only seemed to see each other in the school gym. It was her consistent work out regimen that first attracted him to her. It was something to be said about a woman in the gym. She was dedicated, unafraid of hard work, and welcomed a challenge. The physical results were a payoff in itself. 

One evening while in the gym Terence needed someone to spot him while he lifted weights but the only person there was Nicole. It was clear that she noticed the dilemma that he found himself in as she sashayed confidently over to him and placed her fingertips seductively  across the dumb bell he was holding. “ I promise I wont let the weight fall on you.” Nicole said with while staring directly into his eyes. 

“Oh, you got my back, huh?” was all Terence replied as he began his set, staring with the same intense gaze she held him with. 

Terence could not resist Nicole. She was beautiful, smart, ambitious, and most of all very supportive of his endeavors. She stood 5’7” and had the body of a temptress. With a full D cupful of breast and legs that looked as though she worked out every day, it was hard to keep your eyes off of her. Her strawberry blonde hair flowed to the middle of her back and she was always swiping it from her blue-green eyes. She was marked for beauty at birth with a beauty mole that decorated her face right below her left eye. He loved to kiss that mole when they made love. Nicole was the first white woman he had ever dated and he was totally smitten by her. He knew that she would become his wife.

Her father, John Reese practically developed and owned every commercial building in the Metro Detroit area. It wasn’t until after he died of a heart attack years ago, that the business was handed down to his only child Nicole. She also couldn’t date Terrance freely until his death. Her father was a known racist and would never approve of his princess getting it on with a black guy, no matter what his credentials were. A black man would never be good enough to him.

Thankfully, racism was the one trait she didn’t pick up from her dad. She had his ambition, charisma, and natural business savvy that was to her advantage once she acquired the company.  She did the business justice by not only doubling the production but expanding the business outside of the East Coast. Things

 had been tough for Nicole after her father died, she was very close to him and did not expect losing him so soon. Because of the complexity of the business he traveled often and would leave Nicole and her mom for weeks at a time. The depression that now consumed her started right after the funeral of her father. The man that had provided for her and she had loved forever was gone. John was very protective over his only daughter. Despite all of his accomplishments he never thought he was good enough for his daughter. He had always resented the fact the she was dating a black man. He had told her in private many times that she deserved much better than what she was settling for. Terence never knew of these conversations or that her father was the main reason she was hesitant when it came to moving forward with their relationship. 

Shortly after her father’s funeral Terence had made up his mind that Nicole would be his wife. Little did he know that the biggest obstacle to his goal was being buried in the ground. Seeing how vulnerable she was made him love her more. He wanted to be there for her and become the most important man in her life from then on. After they were married Nicole’s attitude took a turn for the worst. She was always chastising Terence about small things and it seemed as though she would create arguments out of thin air.

Nicole’s mother, Evelyn Reese had recently announced she had terminal pancreatic cancer. The news only encouraged more disrespectful behavior and unexplainable outbursts. The thought of her losing both her parents was hard to accept. She took all of her anger and hurt out on her husband Terence. And he had decided he had taken his last emotional beating.

Terence had taken Nicole to their favorite restaurant Maisano‘s . Coincidently, it was the same restaurant where he had proposed to Nicole. He figured she would not make a scene if he told her in public that he had wanted to get a divorce. She was so unusually happy tonight that made it even harder to tell her what was on his mind. She was glowing even. 

“ I’ll order you an apple martini.” Terence said as he got up from the table to walk to the bar. He could have waited on the waiter but he needed a reason to get away from her. He was really nervous about what he had planned to tell her tonight.

“No, honey. I’ll take a strawberry daquari, virgin please. And hurry back I cant wait to order, I’m starved.” Nicole said as her husband walked away.

As Terence returned to the table with her daquari and his rum and coke, he sat down, cleared his throat and opened his mouth to speak.

“Nicole, I brought you out tonight for a reason. We have had a long road with a lot of love but sometimes….He just stopped talking and looked straight into her face. For whatever reason she was unfazed by anything that he was saying. She was smiling from ear to ear. This woman had totally gone mad. “We all reach different points in our lives and our views of happiness change…

“I can’t take it anymore, I’m pregnant!” Nicole exclaimed, knocking her red daquari into her lap. She jumped out her seat to wipe the slushy mess off of her cream Donna Karen dress. She was so delighted with herself she didn’t notice the blank stare on Terence’s face. 

After what seemed like a lifetime, he finally stood up and began to help his pregnant wife clean herself off.

“What did you just say?” 

“I am pregnant! I found out today at my doctor’s appointment that I am nine weeks along. Mother, is going to be thrilled. She will get to be a grandmother before she leaves this earth.”

“We are going to have a baby? I have a child on the way?”

“Yes, honey. I know that you are so happy. Now finish telling what you were going to say?”

Terence looked at his wife and knew that his divorce mission was aborted. He could never leave her now that she was carrying his child. 

“Umm, I made partner today. That’s all. I made partner.”

IS THE BITTERNESS YOU CARRY WEARING YOU DOWN?

Im up at 4:00am due to the fact that I can't sleep. I have been laying here with my head filled with burdensome thoughts. After a hot bath, a few glasses of Moscato, and a long chat with a few girlfriends....I still found myself troubled. In the dark, under the safety of my covers my wide opened eyes began to fill with tears. I needed some sort of intervention.....I clicked my Pandora mobile app and selected Tamala Mann radio. I got up and sat crossed legged in the middle of my enormous bedroom floor....still in the dark the grandness of my room bolstered my since of loneliness. I kept telling myself to "shake" this feeling. Youre bigger than this. "Get up", I told myself. And I asked God why was I often struggling with this feelings of depression. And he told me right there on that floor...because of YOU. He told me, "You carry the load that weighs you down." I grabbed my notebook that holds so many of my private thoughts and was led to write. I wrote what I felt at that moment, the only light coming from my musical cell phone. My blogs are about accountability but this one is going to be quite personal but I hope it helps/heals someone. Writing this is therapy for me.

I thought I had a right to be mad. My mother died when I was 15 years old and I didnt meet my father until I was twenty something years old. Parentless and seemingly forgotten, I carried my bitterness around like a shield. My other brothers and sisters all had at least one parent left and mixed with my bitterness was envy. Whats was I to be left with? I decided I would never again be out of control. I would determine my future so this pain of hopelessness would never be felt again. I was pissed on the inside and it streaked through every thing that I did. My family, my business, my relationships. I had to win at all cost, my decision making laced with aggression. My validation came from what I could accomplish. I was the tenacious, intelligent, independent Delisicia. Understand that I wasnt just fire, a very useful element when controlled, but Wildfire an untamed blaze charring everything is sight....taking no prisoners. Hellbent on overcoming a dysfunctional life, I (sub)consciously created an inevitable dysfunctional future.

Fighting was love for me. Fighting was autopilot. It was what I knew best. I began to fight when there was clearly no reason to. I looked for reasons to get mad...to go off... at this point, I enjoyed it. I sought out reasons to be a tyrant, to dominate. I didnt feel secure unless I was in control. I could never be that vulnerable little girl again. Please understand that control freaks are very insecure people. This has nothing to do with looks or image...but their (our) inability to let go of the reigns and trust. Trust others to perform tasks, trust others to be reliable, trust others to love you back. The one thing that you really, really, really want as a bitter person is the security of love. Yet because youre riddled with this sickness it is the one thing you are sure to destroy in everything that you do. My relationships were destined to fail because I never brought true love just true hate. The guys I dated were NOT perfect however, could we have made it if LOVE was present? Did every point have to be proven? To the naked eye I never looked angry and even spoke pleasant at times....but that was my manipulative facade. Angry on the inside only seeking to destroy regardless of the cheerful smile adorning my face. I was conditional in everything that I did....there was always a reason. There was a time limit and soon I would cut you off disguising it as something foul that you did. I was just looking for a reason not to let one get close. Closeness was weakness to me. I had to maintain control because I was angry about being hurt. A relentless cycle that destroyed a large part of me.

I am alone now in the aftermath of a forest fire I created. Only left with the remnants of singed loved one and char coaled relationships.  Yes, I proved my point....I am strong enough to destroy. I just would not let go. I did not know how. I dont know how others get their solace...God, writing, exercise, meditation...but it is imperative that you LET GO.  Yes, bad things did happen to me and many others and we have a right to be mad or hurt. But to move forward, we must let go. I have carried some very heavy bags for many, many years. And I have decided to just put them down. Right now. I really wish there was a rehab for controlling/angry people. I look at people and Ive wondered how the hell are they so happy? People.. they chose to be. No, I wasnt raised with the compassionate, loving, considerate attributes most were...but hell I taught myself to cook (and Im a slamming cook) so Ill take a shot at the positive personality traits as well.

I have read countless of articles and books on forgiveness and never thought they were helpful. Well, at that time I didnt want to forgive. I felt like the people/situations I was mad at truly deserved my anger. And yes, I can honestly say that they were wrong. But if I truly want to let go...I guess I "gotta be the bigger person"  and apologize for the situation even existing REGARDLESS who the true villain was...it doesnt make you the villain and also eliminates you as the victim. So here and now I forgive my mother, my father, my older sister, Nate, David, Phyllis, past dudes I was with, (and the past chics that were with them then too!). If I have forgotten you charge it to my head (and that fact that its 5am) and not my heart. And just like rehab this is a day by day journey. 12 steps to happiness. Now the Tamela Mann has stopped and suddenly I feel...sleepy. Thank you for listening....

HAPPY FATHERS DAY IS FOR MEN! NO GIRLS ALLOWED!!!

This post is a day late but it still needs to be done. First of all, Happy Father's Day to all the males that have reproduced or cared for children. Yes, I did say MALES. As I was reading my Facebook page yesterday there were a lot of women telling other women Happy Father's Day. I understand that there are single mothers by the boat load in today's society. However, that doesn't make you a father....just a mother with a child that lacks a father.

Raising a child alone or even separately from the father is a hard pill to swallow. I don't think anyone had a child with the intention to raise him/her alone. But mothers we have to real and understand that we are women...not men...and we can be the best mothers, providers, protectors, all of the above...but we will never be able to take the place of our child's father. When this phrase is used to other women, I'm sure its all out of love but its actually a process that is further tearing our men down. When you tell a woman Happy Father's Day...you saying you can do what a man is meant to do. Essentially he isn't needed. It is a way to smother the hurt of being the parent left to alter their lives for the well-being of the child. "I don't need you anyway so I can' be hurt. I can do what you do."

Ladies, lets be honest. It does hurt to be a single mother. Its hurts the mother and the child. But we as mother's perpetuate this pain by subliminally showing our daughters and our sons that a man isn't needed. If he doesn't step up....us women can handle it. So when your daughter grows up she wont really expect a man to be accountable because she has been taught that she can do a man's job. And your son will not know his true responsibility as a man, what has he seen a man be accountable for? He will assume that if he leaves things will be fine because...woman can be fathers just as well as men. Regardless of what you tell your children, they mimic what they see.

Woman, sometimes we have to accept some of the blame as well. We throw deadbeat around so carelessly aiming at the egos of our men. Is this always necessary? Are you constantly telling your man/BD that he isn't needed and then surprised when he finally disappears for good. Yes sometimes our emotions get the best of us and men have been known to do very foul things...trust me. But when you look at your children these are little people you would go to war for, kill for, even die for. Well your children need a healthy sense of family as well. Family is mother AND father. If your child's father is not here (remember you picked him) still let your child know who he is. Honor the fact that he has a father. Women that are widowed don't suddenly become father's because the man isn't physically present anymore. That child still has a father..he just doesn't see him anymore. When you are able to let go of the pain of making a bad choice, or having a harder life, and decide to put your child's well being first the future will be a much brighter road.

Moving forward in other relationships with the "I can play a mans role" attitude will land with a man that believes just that. And will wonder why your situation is repeating itself. Have you ever seen a woman with multiple baby daddy's and they all left and now all of us sudden..."all men ain't sh*t." Now she believes Father's Day was made specifically for her. No...that attitude can get you "Bad Choices Day" or "I Want To Play Victim Day" or better yet "I Refuse to Change For the Better Day". As hard as it is to accept that your child's father, the person you created this wonderful life with does not want to participate in the rearing process...you still have to play your role as mother only. That's all you can be. Your child may be shorted a father for the time-being but don't short them on the structure of what a family is.

The best example is the fact that most single moms were raised by single moms. And I'm sure she celebrated Fathers Day or make it stick that she was the mother/father and she did a great job being both parents. That was embedded in you and subconsciously that's what played out.A father wasn't needed...so a father isn't there. Not having a father is accepted as the norm and it should not be at all. A child with one parent is like a child with one leg...crippled in life.

By no means am I excluding the men that run from their responsibilities....men really need to develop and lead the family. But ladies we have to put our pride and hurt away and let them know THEY ARE NEEDED. And that we don't want HAPPY FATHER'S DAY.

The BabyMama, The Baby, and His New Girl....Can't We All Just Get Along?

Ok, youre already broken up with your child's father and to add insult to injury he is seeing someone new. Thats fine, something most women can deal with but what fuels your fire is that he is allowing the new girl to be around your child. Now the shit hits the fan. Can we all just get along? While there are some situations that work, I am not a firm believer in the "girlfriend" and child mix. 

Men need to know that indeed you have a right to move on with your life but your child doesnt have to be subjected to whomever you choose to date. I have always respected men that kept their children and dating life seperate. It shows how sacred their children are to them, that everyone isnt privy to meet their acquaintance.

Its far fetched for one to believe the mother of the child is going to show an out pour of respect for the new lady that the dad is dating. What reason would she have to trust, respect, or even be cordial with this person? She would just be another stranger that she feels she should protect her child from. If the father hasnt shown the new girl the respect of making the relationship serious (engaged) why should the mother of the child take it serious or respect it for that matter.

New girlfriends should know that they are walking on marked territory whether one wants to believe or not. The mother of the child is always going to be around and should always be considered. If the new girlfriend feels as though she cannot accept the mother of the child or feels slighted by her presence then there will always be a problem..because she is omnipresent. Even part of his paycheck belongs to this other woman. Dont believe it...new girlfriend...try and move out of town and see what he says....try and make any decision that involves him and he is going to have to ask her.

Fathers, look at your new mate and honestly ask this question...will this person be in my life next year....the next five years....a lifetime. If you cannot honestly answer yes, well then...Miss Lady should not be in the presence of your child. Because your child will definitely be there next year, next five years, and yes... a lifetime.  Spend the time you do have with your child...with your child. Most fathers that are not with the mothers dont see their child as often as a father in the home. So when you do spend time with your child dont force them to spend time with your date as well. Sometimes you have to put your wants aside and focus on your child. Through all of this, they should come first. And a woman worth being with should understand that.

If you have answered yes, then you should be mature enough, respectful enough, and mindful enough to introduce this woman not only to your child but to their mother as well. She has a right to know and meet who is going to be around her child. To try and dismiss her and claim its your personal life will only lead to dangerous episodes. Women have a divine right to protect their young. And what we dont know, we project as danger.

Please post your opinions on the blog. I would love to hear from the fathers and also woman that are dating a man with a child. Please follow and keep in touch. Thanks

Has the penis become more VALUABLE than the vagina??

Remember when American money was worth so much more in Canada....we would get geeked to go over there and trade our money because it would always be an advantage for us. Nowadays, we go over there and may just break even if we are lucky. Well that is what the vagina has become...the depressed American dollar. NO VALUE. NO WORTH. Its absolutely nothing to get your hands (and other things) on one.

I was talking to a guy from high school and he told that his penis was much more valuable than some girl's vagina. He told me that he could go out and reach a multitude of vaginas before she could even find one worthy penis. And I had to admit there was truth to his statement. Guys have an open bar when it comes to women, especially black men. All races are interested and open to them. They have their pick of the litter. Now we as women, especially black women, have to search through a haystack to find a needle. We are also less likely to date men of another race.

Even though men are definitely willing to have sex, they are not so willing to commit or offer a fulfilling relationship. But in a moments time they can find a woman that is ready to commit to him sexually and emotionally. This is what is making the vagina so worthless....it is TOO EASY to get. There is no work being put in to getting the vagina, just a lame dude and his byline. And presto, free Pus...umm Vagina.

Ladies, we (myself included) have to reset our value system. They are killing us out here. Clearly, there are more women than men so we are already at the disadvantage. However, there is still a way to build value. Let these dudes earn us, instead of just giving up the goods on an emotional or sexual whim. Men may have sex whenever they get the urge, but lets take a page from their book....they WAIT to commit their hearts to a woman they find worthy. This is what makes the penis more value. What makes men more valuable. They have standards that we have long forgot about out of pure desperation.

We are women. Per Beyonce, WE RULE THE WORLD. We just need to realize that we are the ones with the CONTROL. Let's get excited about going to "Canada" again and get our value up.