I usually get the urge to write something in the middle of the night...it just hits me. It pushes so hard to release all I can do it honor that energy and write. I had made some very poor choices in life. All of my choices have manifested into one big ball of bullshit. The thing is I had no idea that the choices that I was making were causing me so much destruction. Rushing...fools rush in. Overwhelming needs to conquer....survive...win. Show no fear. Show no emotion. Live behind the facade. Young foolish girl.
I have horrible vision. I wear glasses and contacts at all times. I can not see. But clarity, a small window, have been bestowed upon me. I see right now. All of my insecurities, the facades, the meaninglessness...I see them clearly. I wear them on my skin right now. I have made poor choices and I can fault no one but myself.
I am being ambiguous. I am. Maybe I am not as ready as I thought I was. I realized that I was falling into the same patterns as before. Rushing....my only concern was winning. No substance. No sacrifice.
I have been untrue to myself for such a long time I have a hard time figuring out what the truth is. I want to fill these voids. I have to look the part. I am so weak I always pretend to be strong. My pillow knows how much I hurt. I was away 15 months...it does not matter. That time paid no debt but what was owed. It was not going to magically change my life because I had not been truly humbled. I still was afraid to be me. For 33 years I have been doing it all wrong. I have no more tears to cry. I am driving my own self crazy.
This other voice tells me "You Fucking Up". But now I am crazy because I hear another voice. You bet not drop one more tear with your weak ass. Fix it. Stop doing the same dumb shit and fix it. Make the necessary changes." The voice knows because I cannot use the facade to trick it. It is always there when the real is showing. It really took me this long to realize that I was doing it all wrong. There is a children's story that I like about the Sun and the Wind. Each element was trying to take off a man's coat. The wind was powerful, it blew and blew. It wanted to eventually blow the man's coat off. But the man only responded by holding tighter. Then the Sun, ever so meekly, graced the man with his warmth and instantly the man removed his coat. No force involved. All things done in love. When you force things resentment grows. Retaliation is contemplated. Rebuttals are heard. Things done in love, done naturally, require nothing at all. I have not done things in love. I am one sided and conditional. People have been expendable to me. That is not love. The guard around my heart and my mind was so thick and complicated, I had no idea it was still there. It my mine I had been healed, cured, and renewed. But no...the Voice always knew.
The Voice challenged me and said, "Look in the mirror and tell me what you see?" A confident woman, I think not. You do not love others because you have not loved you. It is time to discover what it really means to love yourself, respect yourself, forgive yourself---unconditionally" No tears are allowed in this soul piercing session. Just reality. I have made some fucked up decisions. I now have to deal with some fucked up outcomes. And that is ok because as long as the days continue to come things can get better. They cannot though be rushed. Every patient needs the time to heal. Being fucked up in the head AND heart for most of you life is a doozy of a diagnosis. No amount of money can heal that overnight. Money can sometimes be equivalent to crack, heroine, or whatever your vice. It covers, it masks. It gives you a reason to not focus on the problem. Just keep upping the dosage. When that money run dry you willing to do anything...it costs to keep your fronts up. It costs to make it look like things are ok. And this aint no crying moment. This is a get real with yourself moment. When something deep inside of you, deep from within your spirit tells you that you fucking up...you need to listen. That Voice told me to be "The Sun." Stop rushing for what aint meant for you anyway. Stop fighting and wearing yourself down. Stop pushing people to do what they dont want to do. "Be the Sun", the Voice told me. "For once in your life, be for real."
I am talented. But I fear who I really am. I had an idea of the power within me and I run. I run into a relationship, I run into a business, I run towards a down and out family member, I run away from me. Because that Voice right there I know is more powerful than anything I have ever known. But I am aging, ever so gracefully, but aging all the same. When does it stop and life begins? When do I come from under the covers and see what I was meant to see and to have? When do I stop fighting myself? I did some amazing things while I was away. I was disciplined and confident. It was me. And then the fear can back...the manic behavior. The have to right now or else crept up. And I forgot that I was a wonderfully talented, lovable person. I forgot so easily. I saw the most beautiful me in those 15 months. There was no fear. Voice tells me to manifest my destiny I have to be my true self, that woman I met and stayed with for 15 months...my true self. I have to be her in every decision that I make. I have to make decisions with logic and love. Be unconditional and expect nothing. I have to give more than I receive. Exude patience. And I have to always expect the best. That was who I was there.
That was a training ground, not some punishment to wipe the slate clean. It was to show me I have the discipline, the heart, and the mind to be my true self. Rather rich or poor. Cute or ugly. Alone or surrounded When all the chips fell I was able. I was true to self. Who is this girl now? I do not know. She is afraid to live. What would the world think of me if I ever decided to do that?
I am ready to try. The Voice has helped me to understand. I am not crazy.I will still stumble but confident will rise again. I have a Divine power. WE all do. There are no more days for tears. The next few days, months, maybe even years will be a struggle. The struggle I was willing to do anything to avoid. I must go through that to get to my destiny and there aint no shortcut. I tried the shortcut. You always start back at GO. I am not too good to start over.I am not afraid to start over. It will make the glory so much worthier. Come daylight the others will see no physical difference. But I have been altered from within. Walk slow...think first....speak last.
I could go on and write/vent until morning but I will not. I am not concerned with what others may think of what I am sharing. I know that there is one person that will need this, understand this, love this, and change from this. To that one person....this aint no time for crying.
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2qaBPthrUqs
